left out of the joke

Back at work and the overwhelming-ness is daunting.

The vacation is being asked about by the co-workers. It's funny how one works up an appropriate response. "it was relaxing." "it was good" etc. "the weather was pleasant and it was very nice not to fall on ice," for the people who can take my flippancy.

I don't know, I'm worried. I thought I had a firm plan about things but as ever, lovely entropy has made its will known and things are unraveling. As I unpacked yesterday and looked at my delightful acquisitions I was a little sad to have been by myself, the dog doesn't really react to cute magnets and gleaned moss. He was happy to have me home, though.

It's nice to be home with Pickles. I'm looking forward to the end of the month. The roommate wasn't around much last night and I didn't see him this morning but I will be happy to be alone in the Bricker with the dog. How odd to crave the alone-ness and still bemoan the solitude.

I just feel like there is a big joke being played out that everyone knows about but me. I did do a lot of laughing on vacation and yet I still am left out of the joke.

3 Dogs on a Rainy Day

Barbeque tonight.
And I'm not talking about the stuff you get at a restaurant, albeit tasty as can be.
But stuff from the grill on the back porch, the stuff you stand close to while you wait to flip it because it's gotten damn cold out.
Barbeque tonight.
The only vacation I have took where the only decision making I am allowed is when and how much and which flavor beer to drink.
The first vacation I have taken as an adult where I wasn't the boss.
Barbeque tonight.
Many many discussions and illuminations and the relationship continues on a path I haven't exactly mapped. I was told the general direction but I find myself trailing along. Broken ankle doesn't help.

remind me, again

I waited in the hall for him to get out of the bathroom. It took a while. I wandered into the baby room and gawked at the horrible window. It was frightening to see. I vowed to call my favorite window replacement guy that day.

He came out and I passed him in the hall. I went by him slow but he went by me fast. We made eye contact, enough for us both to acknowledge. "I need that rent money." I said. Eye contact finished, he went into his room and closed the door. I stood outside, stunned. Did that really just happening? Maybe he needed to close the door so he could reach behind it for his wallet. Maybe he was getting his money out of the secret floor board stash and didn't want me to see. I waited for a moment or two. The finality of the door tongue clicking into place astounded me. I was not used to being brushed aside and ignored. I generally disappeared from any people who would treat me in such a way. I'd rather be alone, disregarding myself, than to inhabit a world where I had to try to understand such behavior. I heard the tv click on and knocked hard on his door.

"Yeah?" He muttered through the door. I thought about how he looked when he had brushed past me: not showered, nor dressed, eyes red, kind of bleat. He was obviously not on his way anywhere such as his usual job, gym, etc. Was he ill? What was afoot?

I put on a voice. "Hi! It's me. I really need that rent money."

Silence for half a beat. "I got to get a check from a guy." He offered. I smelled bullshit but couldn't call him on it at this point.

"So, tonight, then?" I prodded.

"Well, I was going to see him tomorrow about that check so Saturday."

I didn't answer. I walked away.